Finding your Inner Best Friend
Following up from my last article. "The Bully in your head". How do we develop our inner best friend? How do we start to be kinder to ourselves?
After years of being our own inner bully it can be difficult to silence that voice. In order to start to challenge the bully you firstly have to be aware that you are doing it. Sadly, most of us do not know we are bullying ourselves. The bully is on automatic pilot and out of our awareness. So, what steps can we take to change this?
People with an inner bully tend to be always looking for validation outside of themselves. They tend not to seek the answers from within. They tend to lack a strong sense of self or identity and adapt themselves to please the other. This can result in them developing a “false self” and hiding their “true self”.
In a world where everyone is being asked to wear masks to protect against coronavirus, it is important to understand that there are people who wear invisible masks. We all do to some extent; In life sometimes we have to, but for some people it can take over and they tend to play a role or roles in life, which can be exhausting and lead to mental health issues.
Getting validation from others can be rewarding and comforting, however others can also take this validation away leaving us feeling bad about ourselves yet again. So, we have to become our own champion. We have to learn to validate ourselves. This does not mean becoming arrogant. It means being honest and kind to yourself. If your inner bully is telling you “your hair is horrible” then your inner bestie will say “ok, today you are having a bad hair day but we can sort that and mostly your hair is lovely”.
Talking to a counsellor can help you develop your own “Inner best friend”. Counselling can help you become aware of the messages you are giving yourself and therefore give you back control and choice.
Tips on being kinder to yourself
- Don't "react" to a situation, "respond" to it by asking yourself "why did I feel this way?". "Why did I act that way?". If you get a strong reaction to a person or situation it is a personal growth opportunity.
- Start to notice you inner Bully and the messages it is giving you.
- Keep a journal of the messages you notice you are receiving from your Bully
- When you notice any messages you are giving to yourself, think of alternatives. Think about what you would say to your best friend.
- Start to give yourself positive messages
- Treat yourself the way you would treat someone you love.
- Show yourself respect, understanding and compassion.
- Learn to accept yourself. All of you not just the good parts.
- Learn to accept that you are human and flawed. You have strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else and that is ok. You are ok.
Finally, I leave you with this thought. The only person in your life that you can be sure will never leave you is “you”. So, make that relationship your most important.